Posted by webmiss | May 20, 2020
A lot of things has happened this year and I am not a good talker when it comes to deep feelings so maybe it will help if I write about it. I have to let it out somehow and hopefully I will feel better after this.
I've had dogs in my life since I was 13 years old. My latest dog passed away two years ago, I was 32 years old at that time. For 19 years I've had dogs in my life. I haven't gotten over the loss of my dog still. And the 28th of May marks the second year without her and it still hurts. The month of May is not a fun month for me. Diva was born May 25th 2005 and passed away May 28th 2018 from age.
My first cat Jaxon was born May 15th 2013 and passed away last week, also in May. Can you see the connection. Both born in May and died in May. Jaxon was only 7 and it was very sudden and fast. I also tried to become pregnant in February this year which failed and I struggled a lot with that. So all of this and one other thing which I wont mention, really has pusched me to my limits. It feels as if it's always something bad happening.
Not only all the losses in my life lately but I also struggle with something that is a constant in my life and something most people don't know about nor something I really talk about. I have chronic back pain. I broke my hand when I was 24 years old and hurt my back at the same time. Even though all my losses, that time in my life when the back pain debuted was the darkest moment in my life and the thing I fear the most to end back up in.
I worked in elderly care and finally got the job in the place I wanted. I loved it. But then I broke my hand and went on sick leave for about 9 weeks. A few weeks in out of nowhere I got this sharp pain in the lower part of my back. Which rather quick spread out in my whole body, from my toes up to the base of my head. I couldn't move, even when I was still it hurt. I was at my mom's house during two weeks but couldn't take care of the dog or the house. My sister had to come over and help me with almost everything. I called my doctor on the phone and he laughed at me when I explained my pain. He told me to take an Alvedon. I cried because of what he said and I felt so lost of what to do. I poured Alvedon, ate it as candy but all it did was make me tired but the pain was so much a barley slept.
After a few weeks without any activity I began gaining weight and I decided I had to start moving. I could only walk for almost 5 minutes and it was extremly painful. I increased it slowly. I also during the first months went to the ER a couple of times because I couldn't do anything and everything hurt. My legs would give out and I would fall to the ground. But the doctors only told me to take Alvedon each time and that everything was in my head and that I was too young to be having these issues. I gave up seeing doctors for a while. Yet again feeling hurt by the doctors.
I also had to get back to work because my sick leave was over. But at least I only worked when they called me in so I could turn down work sometimes. However, I did try and work and it was then I noticed I wouldn't be able to have this job anymore. I didn't want to accept that fact, even though I realized it, because I loved my job and the people I worked with. During work I could only be on my feet short moments until the pain got too bad. I used to become ice cold and sweat because the pain was so sharp, from my feet to my head. I had to go and lay down in a room and wait the pain out several times a day. I was always really exhausted during and after work. This also had an effect on my mood while working. After being on sick leave yet again I finally, after talks with another doctor and a health physician came to the conclusion that I had to quit the job, so I called in and told them I wouldn't be back. I became unemployed.
During this time all my focus was on my health. I couldn't walk rather much, maybe 10 - 20 minutes a day and I needed help with my dog and my mom had to come with me while shopping food. Because when the intense back pain sets in and I am not at home panic sets in, which makes everything worse, the panic sets in because I must have a bench or a bed because I literally can't stand.
I went to see more doctors once again, same thing, you're too young to have this issues, take an Alvedon. But finally after several years I found a doctor who at least put me on medication, didn't help, and sent p√• to be x-rayed and have an MRI. The x-ray came up with nothing but the MRI showed a dried out disk that was potruting but not having any effects on the nerves, however this was in my lower back where the exact point of my pain comes from which also have been confirmed each time they have toutched me there, the pain is awful and I can't remember how many doctors I've hit when they press on that area of my back. But no, it wasn't good enough. Later on that doctor quit. Yet again I stood there with no doctor and I tried 2-3 other ones who treated me just as bad as most others. So I refused seeing any doctors for a while.
However I did go to a rehab heated swimming pool, which is the best thing ever. I always say it is thanks to that pool and the people there that most of my pain on my feet and ancles and that the pain in my back got somewhat better. After going there for 6 months I could walk longer distances, 30 minutes. Sometimes I pushed myself to 40 minutes and I tend to keep that time limit today if I want to avoid pain (only during my days off) but I also can manage one hour today during my days off. I am really happy about that, but it has been a 10 year process.
I have another doctor since 3 years back and he put me on another medication and it does help. He listens to me and is very good so I will keep him for as long as I can. But I have also, after many years, accepted the fact I can't do many things and adjusted my life. Thanks to my own acceptance, right medication and regulare workout I can manage. Keep in mind, manage!
I returned to the heated swimming pool almost three years ago again and also recieved massage on a regular basis which I believe helped manage the pain yet again. The pain wasn't as intense during that time but it was there and I was really tense. Because due to all the lower back pain during the years I have put a lot of strain on my shoulders and upper back which in return has given me problems with my upper back. I have now chronic pain in my whole back.
I work full time and I can barely manage, somedays are better then others. But the pain comes 2-3 hours in and gradually becomes worse as the day goes on. I have increased my medication now because it has gotten worse the past few months, no wonder why. All the things that has happened and I can't work out on a regular basis as much as I need and after work I don't have any energy for walks because I am tired and in pain. Having chronic pain everyday for over 10 years exhausts the body and mind and the medication also makes me tired. Now that I have increased the dosage I feel it even more.
My biggest fear in life is to go back to when I was in that dark place. To make you understand. I was in so much physical pain I couldn't move or do anything. My energy was gone. I couldn't be with friends, take care of my dog or barely myself. No doctors would help me. I ate pain medication as if it was candy because what I had didn't help. I took so many pills until I blacked out at times. I didn't care. I didn't care if it would kill me because all I wanted was the pain to stop. I wanted to be myself again and if I couldn't I didn't care. But I woke up each time. Having that amount of chronic pain, no help and not being able to do anything makes one very depressed. You can only take so much. I then struggled with chronic intense back pain and depression. I am very afraid if I get back to that place and because of all that has happened now, I wont have the strength again to pull myself through it once again. So I do everything in my power to avoid letting that happen again and if it makes people believe I am a boring person or seem difficult at times then so be it. I don't like bringing these things up to the light because it hurts really bad thinking about it and being reminded about it because I remember all that I felt, how I was treated and everything I miss out onin life. A very few know about my struggles back then but not how bad it really was.
All those years it took for me to get here, I don't want to fall backwards. I will do everything in my power not to fall back, but if situations occure that wont let me have thar powerI guess I will have to take my chances. At least I have a supportive family and close friends and it means a lot to me and they mean the most to me!