Benjamin is here

Posted by Madeleine | May 13th, 2021

My son has arrived.
Benjamin Javad Lindberg was born at 8.18 am on Thursday may 6th. He weighed in at 2695 grams and was 48 centimeters long. A tiny baby which I was prepared for but I really thought he would be closer to 3 kilos.

Benjamin Javad Lindberg

Copyright 2021+

The c-section went well and wasn’t as bad as I thought, of course it wasn’t without some uncomfort during and pain after. It was a weird sensation knowing you are being cut open but all I could feel was as if someone was pulling my stomach. There was no pain at all. My blood pressure went down real fast at one point which made me feel very sick and it was around the time they took out Benjamin because I could feel something big being pulled out of my stomach right after my blood pressure dropped. They gave me something and I felt better, I heard Benjamin and then they gave him to me. I couldn’t really hold him tight so it felt scary having him there but the people around me was helping me. Then I felt really sick and weird again and asked someone to take him and he was with his grandmother for a while and later on with one of the nurses.

Benjamin Javad Lindberg - after his first bath

Copyright 2021+

I stayed at the hospital for two days and then we went home to my mom where we will stay until I have recovered enough to manage living in my apartment again. I don’t have an elevator which means I have to walk up two flight of stairs, when I am strong enough to do that without pain me and Benji will be going home.

Benjamin is one week today. He has lost 200 grams in total which means I have to give him extra formula besides the breast milk. I can see a real change in his demeanor and I guess he was crying and screaming so much before because he was never really full. After I began giving him the formula he has been smiling, sleeping more and deeper which means I am getting some more breaks from constantly breast feeding him. Which hurts now in the beginning but thanks to the formula it is getting better. He will be weighed in tomorrow again and I hope if anything he hasn’t at least lost any more weight.

Benjamin Javad Lindberg - on our way home

Copyright 2021+

I can move around much easier now, seven days after the c-section. I still have a lot of fluid in my feet and legs which is a lot more now than during my pregnancy. I have only lost 3 kilos which doesn’t make any sense to me, it sorts of scares me but I have decided to go on a diet starting… guess when… haha, on Monday. I won’t lie, it is also extremely nice not to have the pregnancy belly any more. Oh my, good riddance!

Looking at Benjamin I finally understand what every parent means when they say how they fall in love with their child at first sight. I have never loved anyone as I love Benjamin. It’s a unique kind of love you have for your child. Unconditional and very deep!

C-section Date Determined

Posted by Madeleine | April 25th, 2021

In Sweden we don’t have the freedom of choice when it comes to how we want to birth our children, it’s sort of weird, Sweden is supposed to be with the times and all but we as women still don’t get to decide everything that has to do with our bodies. I for one don’t see any shame in why women decide to have c-sections, no matter the reason behind it. I have read some real cruel comments and opinions online about c-sections and they all are from women…

As I have previously mentioned I have chronic back pain and it’s not a simple pain and aches, it can become really intense where I barely can breathe and all I want is to be unconscious when it happens. With labor most women get labor pains in their lower back and for me I become very anxious when it start to hurt on my lower back and all of that can trigger an intense back pain episode. For that reason, I wanted to have a c-section.


Copyright 2021+

I had to talk with a doctor and with a midwife before getting approved. It was a real emotional rollercoaster, more so when pregnant hehe. But finally, I got approved. On May 6th is the big day. Eleven days to go. I am very nervous, the fact that they are going to cut my belly open when I am laying there wide awake. I hope there’s no sensation and that I won’t faint.

What’s it’s like being pregnant

Posted by Madeleine | April 7th, 2021

For some reason I feel as if it’s not okay to speak negative about how it is to be pregnant. You should be grateful and enjoy it. Well, I’m not really the type of person who enjoy lying nor pretend something to be something it’s not.

I’ve wanted children for a very long time but never thought of becoming pregnant to have a child, I always had adoption in mind. When I was in my 20’s I thought I had all the time in the world to be able to adopt further down the road. I had a few things I had to do before being able to adopt. In my 30’s many of those things were checked off except having a house. I looked through some adoption agencies and the costs once again and many things had changed during the years. Since my clock was ticking and I realized adoption might take a few more years before I can apply and then I have to wait some more years before there might be a child to adopt, I looked into insemination.

When my pregnancy test showed up positive, I was extremely happy, I think this is the only time during my pregnancy I felt pure joy from my soul and heart. Because every other step of my pregnancy has really been a struggle, not so much the pregnancy itself but everything surrounding it.

I have chronic back pain, and its intense pain. I had to stop taking my medication before getting pregnant due to risk of what it could have on the fetus. I was five weeks pregnant when I returned to work. My back gave up very quick and I had to be on sick leave half time from week seven. I struggled a lot the first trimester with my back and feeling very down, I could barely move or do anything. Not only having my back pain, I then also began having pelvic girdle pain.

Chronic back pain

A couple of weeks in my second trimester I had begun getting my chronic back pain somewhat under control, the pelvic girdle pain however had gotten worse. But I could still manage things. The only time I felt a little bit of happy was during the ultrasounds of the baby, when I could see him. I began to feel him move in my belly and still to this day I don’t really like that feeling. It’s very unconfutable. But yes, it calms my mind when I feel him move because then I know he is okay.

My back pain and my weight gain during this pregnancy has affected me negative the most. I can’t really go around saying that the pregnancy itself has been bad because it hasn’t. Compared to others my pregnancy has been rather smooth and good. But I had forgotten how bad my back really is without medication.

In trimester three I was diagnosed with pregnancy diabetes. It didn’t bother me a lot since my numbers are rather low but it wasn’t any fun news to get either way. Now I am on pills and insulin. My pelvic girdle pain is a lot worse now and my back pain has intensified again. I can’t really do much anymore. I know each pregnancy might not be the same but since it’s my back pain and weight gain that has bothered me the most, I’m very sure it will happen during a next pregnancy again.

My friend explained my feelings about being pregnant in a good way and I am stealing her quote on this. I love that I am pregnant but I don’t like being pregnant.

Since my baby is a little underweight and because I have pregnancy diabetes, I am receiving extra ultrasounds. On the first check up he was 300 grams underweight and yesterday he was 200 grams underweight. But now he’s gained enough that he is above the lowest line which is good. He probably won’t become a big baby, in my mind and with my calculations I am thinking he might be everything from 3,1 – 3,7 kilos when he is born. I was told today, from my diabetes nurse, that because of my diabetes the baby has to be delivered at the latest on my expected birth date which is May 14th but at the earliest from April 26th. It’s soon! But I have to talk to my midwife about this because she is the one who has to tell the delivery personal about having my labor induced.

induced labor

In 3 – 5 weeks I will have a baby boy and become a mother.

My first pregnancy

Posted by Madeleine | March 27th, 2021

I’ve wanted to have children since my early 20’s. The relationships I was in didn’t last. In my mid 20’s I began looking into adoption and set my goal on that, I felt that I had the time to meet their criteria to be able to adopt as a single woman. I still went on dates and had a few relationships but nothing that ever lasted.

In my 30’s I finally had the full-time steady job with good benefits and a descent salary. I began looking up adoption again but so much had changed and the prices had gone up so after a lot of thinking I decided to look up insemination.

I thought it through for a couple of years, talked it through with my family since I would need their support. Everyone was on board and in February of 2020 it was time to try for the first time. I chose an Iranian donor, I really liked his profile and it just felt right. The insemination was done in a clinic in Denmark. However, the first insemination failed. I had my second try in August of 2020, using the same donor, and this time it was a success.

Benjamin Javad Lindberg

Copyright 2021+

The first trimester was not easy, the second trimester became a little bit easier and now I am in my third trimester and it is more of an emotional roller-coaster. The pregnancy itself has been rather good even though I have pelvic girdle pain and pregnancy diabetes. It’s my chronic back pain that has been the major issue during this whole pregnancy.

I am very open about using insemination as a method to become pregnant as a single woman. Some people have called the donor as the dad and I want to make it clear. There is no dad in the picture, the donor is nothing more than simply a donor.

I found out during a blood test that the baby is a boy and it was also confirmed with an ultrasound on March 22nd. He is fine, a little underweight and that’s why I will be getting one or two more ultrasounds before he is born only to see if he is putting on enough weight, but as of yet I am not worried.

I began doing all my baby shopping in February and I believe I have everything I need. Casper, the cat, loves the crib! I made the bed and everything but since Casper always sleeps or naps in the crib, I had to take it all off since I don’t want fur all over the new things. I only left the things you can see in the picture which all will be washed and cleaned before the baby will arrive. I will probably break Casper’s little heart once the baby comes because Casper won’t be allowed in the crib or in my bedroom during the night or when the baby is sleeping in his crib alone.

Casper in the crib

Copyright 2021+

I’m soon leaving to live with my mom and her partner since my back pain and pelvic girdle pain is bothering me too much now. I wasn’t supposed to move in until two weeks prior to expected birth but I can’t wait that long anymore, expected birth is on May 14th. The plan to stay over the summer stays the same as before though. I am very grateful to have some help in the beginning with the baby.

For now, I am longing for the baby to arrive. I long to hold him, curious to see what he looks like and watch him grow up and spoil him with love, kisses and hugs! It’s 48 days left until he might be born, since he might come earlier or later, I doubt he will be born exactly on May 14th.